Hello. Hello, blog. I’m still here.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. I’m still here.
This past year has been the best and the hardest year. Actually, the past 18 months have been the most challenging.
On March 10, 2020 I found out I was pregnant. It was such great news. That week was also my last week of my Master’s program and the week before Spring Break. I was so excited and so nervous for what was to come. On March 12th I got a text saying we were going on Spring Break early and for 2 weeks because of Coronavirus. On March 13th I got a text saying our last class for my program would be virtual. On March 15th, we went to brunch for my friend’s birthday. We hugged at the end of the brunch, a group hug in a rebellious act against this COVID-19. By the following week our state had essentially shut down.
No one knew, but my husband and I, that we were pregnant. On that Monday the 16th we had our first doctor’s appointment and ultrasound. It was one of the last ones my husband would get to attend. I would not have a baby shower, I would announce my pregnancy via text message and video chat. I would not see my own mom for months. I would not teach inside my classroom for a full year.
Luckily, I got to have my son, with my husband present. Luckily, I got to spend the first 5 months of my son’s life at home with him while simultaneously teaching. This meant that I now have students who love and are as attached to my son as family because they saw him nearly every day on our video calls.
I missed out on mom groups though and so I was feeling very isolated. Between being in lockdown and the sadness that comes with missing all the pregnancy firsts I started losing myself. I stopped writing. I stopped cooking and baking for pleasure. I just stopped existing as Jessica.
So now, nearly a year after my son was born, I’m trying to find who Jessica is outside of the stresses of teaching and outside of just being mom. Mom is my favorite job title I’ve ever held, but it’s not my identity and grappling with that has been a struggle. I’m looking to bring back the blog to document finding myself again. I think it’s relatable not just to moms but everyone post pandemic (during pandemic? Is it ever going to end?) I have started working on the physical. I’ve lost 17 pounds in the last few months, but I also gained about 45 during pregnancy. I want to feel better. I want to reconnect with my creativity. This is not just for me, though a big part, but so I can be my best self for both my son and my husband who are my whole world.
If you connect with this, give me a follow and come along with me on this journey of self-discovery and getting back to the root of being Jessica.
